Ready to have a conniption?

There's mercury in the high fructose corn syrup. You know, that "natural" sweetener that's in just about every package on the shelf at the grocery store.

Want more information? This is a serious issue, affecting lots of name brands (Quaker and Coca-Cola, anyone?) and nearly half of the commercial high fructose corn syrup produced.
Read more here, at The Ethicurean or here, at the IATP health observatory.

Anybody hyperventilating yet? I sure am not pleased at this development, which was brought to the FDA's attention four years ago.

Time to go again

The reason I like to stay up late? Because I'm not ready to admit that the day is over and I have to go to sleep so that I can wake up and start life all over again.

I'm focused today on getting Josh's medical records faxed. Shoot! I just realized it's Wednesday, and the neurology office is closed on Wednesday's. The receptionist told me my power of attorney doesn't apply to medical records. Last night I read it over, and I'm pretty sure she's wrong.

So I guess today my focus is on getting a package of books sent out to Josh's dorm. I sent him a package two weeks ago, including a couple Garfield books that his dormmates really enjoyed; they asked him to have me send more fun stuff. Apparently morale's pretty low a lot of the time and anything that makes people smile is helpful. So I'm going to hit the thrift store, and maybe a used bookstore, to see what I can find.

I hope everybody's having a good day. Mine's going to be pretty straightforward. Comfort Leo (shots yesterday--he's still a little out of sorts), try to teach Guy how to be kind and not yell all the time, and stay sane while waiting. And waiting.

Thoughts on Doctrine

Yesterday we had a special Relief Society program during church. The focus was on visiting teaching, and they served a lovely light breakfast.

Let me first say that many people were touched, some were moved, and I heard several people say they felt inspired of the importance of visiting teaching, and that they would better serve in the future.

The basic set up as we walked in consisted of a projector screen in the middle of the room, with two small tables on either side. At each table was a lamp and a journal and a sister seated. The lights went off and a picture was put up on the screen of the two sisters dressed in white. One lamp turned on, and they pressed play on a tape recorder. "Elizabeth Long, Journal Entry 1, Pre-existence" and the voiceover continued explaining things that were happening, how she felt about the war in heaven, and far too many points of dubious doctrine for my liking.

The entire program went through as these two sisters came to earth, one was strong in the gospel and the other was inactive, and through visiting teaching these two sisters found each other as friends once more and because of the impact of Sarah, Elizabeth was "instead of a mother of generations of apostates, the mother of generations of faithful latter-day saints."

The obvious message is that one sister can make more difference than we ever realize through befriending another sister and being good visiting teachers. The message is a good one, and I am certain that many hours of thought, prayer, and preparation went into the program.

Just not my cup of tea. I would appreciate it if our church leaders were sometimes a little more careful in the speculation they allow or encourage during Sunday meetings.

But I was inspired to be a better visiting teacher. Now I just need to know if the Lord wants me here long enough for my mother (who is the VT Coordinator) to assign me a route. That's one of the hardest parts about not knowing when Josh will be home. I feel like I don't really belong to a ward right now, thought I have strong ties to two wards. I want a calling. I like visiting teaching. I enjoy performing in Sacrament meeting.

A future full of unknowns is hard, plain and simple. I'm grateful for the Lord's support and the many angels who are helping through this difficult time. But I miss my husband.

My big little boys

I can hardly believe how big Leo is getting, and so fast! Tuesday we have a doctor's appointment, and I always love the weighing and measuring.




And this is Guy with his cousin Connor. Guy LOVES to imitate Connor in everything he does, for better or for worse. They're super cute together, even when they're frustrated with each other. It's been great for both of them, having the other one to learn to live with. Kids are good for kids. It's giving me a sneak preview, though, of coming attractions. Boy, are things going to be interesting with two!

Sunday Evening

I love Sundays. I love Sunday evenings even more.

I really love church, even though as a mom of two small children it can be very challenging. We're working on teaching Guy to whisper. Let's just say the lesson isn't sticking very well!

As busy as Sunday mornings sometimes feel, Sunday evenings are the perfect time for contemplation. My thoughts have already taken a religious bent, and once the children are sleeping there are fewer distractions than a weekday. No television set, no arguing over homework (remember, there's a 2nd grader in the house), and everyone's bellies are still full from an excellent Sunday dinner. For the record, my sister makes INCREDIBLE fajitas. So good.

So now I'm sitting here enjoying a bowl of vanilla pudding and enjoying the silence. Contemplating what my week will look like, and what things are really important to me. I'm going to study my scriptures for a bit, write in the journal I'm keeping for Josh while he's away, and if I'm not too sleepy write my beloved a letter.

If anybody would care to send Josh a postcard or a note, you're more than welcome to. His address is as follows:

AB Coyne Joshua
319 TRS / DORM A-6
PSC #3 UNIT 364074
1015 Truemper Street
Lackland AFB, TX 78236

What what what?

The neurologist did an EMG and found no damage.

And Josh's damaged reflexes are working again.

This is really strange. Awesome. But strange. And a bit scary, because Josh wants to be discharged. He's still in pain, and they don't know why.

Good news? Bad news?

I have no idea. I just had a five minute phone call from Josh.

He said the neurologist didn't find anything. What that means, I don't know, but Josh is definitely not doing well.

Send up a prayer, please.

I suppose . . .

I suppose I'm a passionate person. I really feel things deeply and I often wear my emotions on my sleeve, even if I'm trying to keep them to myself.

And this week has been no exception. The highs are great, the lows are awful, and today is not shaping up to be one of the better days. In the last three days I haven't gotten any sleep without Leo within six inches of me. Meaning I haven't gotten any sleep that didn't leave me feeling tired and sore upon awaking. And Guy was up at 6:15 this morning. And I didn't get to go walking because it's raining.

And I miss Josh. I want him to be healthy, or home, or healthy and home. I want to know how this is going to play out, but God's not really giving me too much to go on right now. I know everything will work out well for us. I just don't know how yet. And I'm not very imaginative, so it feels like it's going to be hard.

I'm just tired. I need to get out.

*deep sigh of relief*

Tonight, with both my kids asleep, I'm watching the Bachelor, Biggest Loser, and American Idol (with tivo, of course!). With my mom and older sister. And I LOVE IT! IT'S SO FUN!

I got a call from Josh today, and got a letter! He's doing okay. I think he's been glossing over what's really going on and how things have really been for the sake of making me worry less. And did I mention that on Saturday and Sunday I missed six phone calls? Talk about misery!

Hopefully he'll be home soon. I miss him. I miss being able to talk to him first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I had lots of other things to blog about, and somehow nothing is coming to mind.

I'm happy. I love my life. And I have clean sheets!

"A quality life is God's greatest wish for us. Life is to be lived well in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. There should not be a waiting period."

Marvin J. Ashton

This was exactly what I needed yesterday. Whether or not I'm in limbo, I should not be waiting to find joy and live my life well.

Answers

A few people have asked me how Josh is doing, and what's going on with his health.

The short answer is that several years ago Josh suffered some mysterious nerve damage that caused chronic pain and left him walking with a cane. Anybody who knew us before we had kids has probably seen him with it once or twice. Let me tell you, it was handy in an airport!

It was an issue that we did not expect to come up again as Josh's health has been manageable--I would even say quite good for some time. He doesn't really like talking about the issue much, as his health history is nobody's business. And he's been able to run again, and pass the physical fitness test, so we assumed he'd make it through Basic Training.

At any rate, the stress obviously played a part. I don't know what happened exactly, all Josh told me is that he went to the Emergency Room twice.

The positive in all this is that it's possible that things have changed in his body or in the field of medical knowledge, so perhaps we will have some answers when all is said and done. So, nothing life threatening.

In the meantime, just more waiting on my part. It's REALLY hard, because I don't want to settle into a groove here anymore--I want to get back to life in Provo. As much as I'm enjoying my parents' house (and my walks with Shauna!), and not being snowed in, I'm feeling anxious to get back with Josh and keep working on our goal of graduation and graduate school. I'm also feeling really tense these past few days.

Like I'm back in another holding pattern, in limbo once more.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

50 MINUTES OF PEACE AND QUIET, DURING WHICH ALL THREE OF US NAPPED TODAY.

God is very, very good.

Other awesome things?

I fit into my favorite denim skirt! It's too big when I'm at my best weight, but I love wearing it now that it fits again. I'm currently almost 25 lbs down from my top pregnancy weight, meaning I have 26 lbs to go.

And I absolutely love Dove Ultimate Moisture Body Wash. So ridiculously luxuriant, it's awesome. Couple that with really long prayers in the shower (it's when I say my morning prayers now) and I'm such a happy camper when I get out of there in the morning. Fabulous way to get some extra shower time and some extra personal devotion time.

I heard from Josh again today--he says he's very happy, but needs more to read. Usually they're not allowed books or packages, but he can get both right now. So I sent him the Ensign, the Articles of Faith by Talmadge, Dune, Getting What You Came For (book about PhD's), two Garfield books, and the rest of his Christmas candy. Oh, and some photos too. I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

I love that boy to no end. With any luck the neurologist will be able to find out something of value to tell us regarding his condition.

In the meantime, PRAY THAT MY SON KEEPS NAPPING! Because dang if it wasn't bliss. I swear, it makes me feel giddy, that's how awesome this development is. WOO-HOO!

San Francisco!

Our last day together we spent with the Loehrmann family in San Francisco! So much fun.

 
 
 

Feelings

I think that last post is a little odd--because I don't say anything about what I think or feel about what's happening.

I'm still processing this major and sudden change of course for my life. I don't really know how I feel right now, or how I should feel. So I'm just feeding the kids, changing diapers, and trying to let my brain go over it in the background.

But I do know one thing--the Lord has always provided for me, sometimes by turning my life in unexpected directions. I'm grateful as ever for His guidance and love. I know that everything will work out for us, and that He has great plans in store for us; we simply can't see the long term right now and have to trust Him enough to step out into the dark.

Phone Call

I received a phone call from Josh at about 7 this morning. He's okay, but has a medical condition that put him in the ER twice. He's on pain meds now that are managing the issue, and he'll see a neurologist on Monday to run a bunch of tests to see what they can see.

But you can consider him discharged. It'll take a few weeks to outprocess, and then he'll be back. And he won't be an Air Force Reservist. We'll either get a job here or (more likely) head back to Provo where he can work until classes start again.

I only talked to him for a few minutes--long enough to get his address and very few details. But I think he's made peace with this, and I am feeling rather calm about it also.

If anybody is so inclined, I'd really appreciate a prayer sent up for him. We know the Lord directs our life, but sometimes it's in very unexpected ways.

Torture

So, 30 minutes ago I get a call from my sister-in-law (Liesl, who lives at home) saying, "Josh needs you to put more than 200 minutes on the phone card. He says it's an emergency."

So I hang up, dial the phone card three times--but it's still being used so I can't do anything. I call back, tell her that I can't add money if he's still using it, and she says to wait a few minutes and try again.

It sounded like Josh was on the phone with my mother-in-law, but I couldn't quite tell. So I dial the phone card four or five more times, until it actually lets me use it, and then add money.

And now I'm waiting, wondering what's going on. And missing my husband like crazy--who I expected to hear from three days ago.

AUGH!

UPDATE: Apparently he called regarding medical records that he needs copies of, and according to my m-i-l sounded very stressed and urgent--and didn't say much else. *sighs* I just want to hear him say, "Everything's okay." But on the positive side, I have an appointment to go tomorrow and get Leo added onto our insurance--which would have been done already if Josh had taken Leo's social security card like I asked him to. But I have on my big girl hat, so it doesn't bother me. I'll just take care of it in a timely fashion.

No naps, no phone call

This make me sad. :-(

I want my son to still nap. And I want to hear from Josh so I can start sending him letters, darn it.

And I should probably not stay up until midnight watching lame television when I get up at 5:30 to walk.

Week in Review

We've made it through one week without Josh. All things considered, we're doing pretty well. Guy is as well-behaved as a two year old boy can be expected to be, aside from the sleep issues--which are improving.

Still no naps, and I think they may be gone forever. I'm having a beast of a time explaining "quiet time" to him, as well. It's frustrating to have that part of the day leave me more stressed as opposed to refreshed and ready to be a great mom. Not having a break all day long makes me want to stay up all night just to enjoy the peace and quiet. Not good for being patient the next day. Ugh, what a cycle.

I think 2 p.m. is my new witching hour. Dinner hour? Not so awful--I can handle that pretty well. But 2 p.m. is when my eye starts twitching and steam comes out my ears. I hate feeling like I have such a hard time controlling my anger. I don't think of myself as an angry person, but there are definitely tough moments with Guy when I don't want to be patient, kind, or talk softly.

I ate a turnip for the first time ever this week. In a pot pie. It was really tasty, I think I'll start cooking with turnips every once in a while.

I'm waiting by the phone in the hopes that Josh might call--in theory he'll call sometime this weekend. Hopefully not while we're at church.

Guy is absolutely adorable, but I wish that toddlers came with a volume control. Can he ever yell!

And I'm planning a trip to San Antonio for Josh's graduation. So far I'm thinking it shouldn't be more than about $600 with everything altogether. Hopefully it'll be an enjoyable trip.

Sleep Chronicles

Perhaps this post would be more appropriate if it were titled "Chronicles of the Sleepless".

In all reality, Guy did better last night. It only took an hour to convince him to go to sleep, and he woke up about midnight and came to bed with me. He slept most of the rest of the night, though.

No nap today, but he was great when I went to lunch with Mom, Shauna, and some friends. As in he sat in the high chair for an hour and a half! Incredible, huh?

Mom bought a crib yesterday, so we'll see if he'll climb out of that or not. The hope is not, but if he does at least it converts to a toddler bed. This way even if he does get out of bed, he won't be falling on his head.

Oh, yeah. I love Josh! And miss him! But with any luck, we'll all be in Hawaii in five months at his brother's wedding!

Sleep is for the weak

It took me one hour and 40 minutes to get Guy to sleep last night.

Then, at 12:45, he woke up and was awake. UNTIL 4 A.M.

I'm really not digging this.

Still no nap

And I am seriously so fried. I'm going to go watch The Bachelor with my Mom and try to relax.

You never realize quite how much you need something until it's been pulled out from under your feet. This is not good, as Guy without some time to himself just doesn't have good afternoons.

I think I just might eat a chocolate chip cookie or two, too.

Is this some kind of joke?

Because it's REALLY not funny.

GOOD NEWS: Today I made it to church, on time, by myself with the two kids.

WEIRD NEWS: On the way there, driving down my parents' winding rural lane, I saw a llama, followed very closely by two rams and a ewe. Yes, on the street, running away from the car. Okay, then.

AWFUL, NOT GOOD, REALLY TERRIBLE, I'M GOING TO CRY NEWS: Guy can climb out of the pack-n-play. He just did it for the first time this afternoon after 15 minutes in it during "naptime". He's currently sleeping in a room full of dangerous stuff. This house is full of dangerous things. I don't yet know what I'm going to do.

You can't take away naps from me! Please! Not yet! How am I going to survive if I lose the naps?

Something tells me my life just changed again.

Happy Birthday! Merry Christmas! Happy Baby Blessing!

 
 
 

And Josh is gone now.

Holding Pattern

Holding patterns really get me down. I hate feeling like I'm stuck in limbo, waiting for the next transition so that I can settle into a routine again.

36 hours until separation. I know I can do this. I can thrive. As soon as I stop tearing up every time I think about it.

Anybody want to feed my husband this weekend? Josh gets in to SLC Saturday afternoon, and heads for Texas on Tuesday morning.

In happier news? Tomorrow we're going to San Francisco with Jared and Jessica!