10 days

10 days left. *deep breath*

Only 10 more days living in the city. Hey, and two of those are a weekend, so Josh will be around! I can do anything for 10 days, right?

And then we'll know if Josh will be sticking around for two weeks after that or if we'll head up to Michigan early.

While in the car last night driving back from Scranton (what a blessed place that is--respite is the perfect word to describe it) I realized that we'd only add 90 miles to our return trip to check out two or Josh's top PhD choices. We're planning on taking the trip slowly anyway, so that will be great to have first-hand experience of those schools. If we check out the two universities in Michigan that will make four schools. Add UPenn (no, we're not going to UPenn for graduate school) and we'll have five schools' experience under our belt. Pretty useful, I'd say.

In other news, I miss Wymount. A whole heck of a lot. Because it's no fun going to the playground when you don't know anybody, you're afraid your kid's going to walk head first into the swings, and it's a 25-minute walk in 95 degree heat (with 50% humidity!). *whine*

At least I had a nice weekend.

Simply Smiling

I've been thinking about a lot lately. It happens when I have a lot of time on my hands but the boy won't let me read, etc. I've realized just how simple my life is this week. My primary responsibilities are simply to care for my family. Feed them well and keep the apartment tidy. Take it easy so there's nothing to worry about with the baby.

I like the idea of having less to do. It's a wonderful time for me to sit quietly and ponder. 'Tis a gift to be simple.

Living more simply in this apartment has also given me a great opportunity to re-think what I really need to care for my family. Example: five frying pans? Nope, I can make do with two--one big and one small. Fewer dishes will pile up that way.

I watched a great film last night. "A Good Year" with Russell Crowe. I was afraid I wouldn't like it, but it was incredible. Thoughtful, but not preachy. Funny, without trying too hard. And the best part?

It made me feel like I was in the French countryside for two hours. I completely forgot I was in West Philly.

Hooray! Someone who cares!

I found a midwife who will see me here in Philly!

This brings great relief, as I've had every other office tell me that they won't see me (including all those within walking distance).

In my mind this is completely ridiculous. I need 10 minutes worth of care just to make sure there's nothing worrisome going on that would be easy to spot. The policies some of these places have drive me crazy.

Luckily the midwife isn't that far away, either. Too far to walk comfortably, but only a 15 minute drive or so. And I only have to make two turns. I could manage that, even without Josh.

I'm feeling pretty tired today. Maybe I didn't get enough sleep this weekend? I'm not sure. It was pouring rain most of the morning, so Guy and I just made a quick grocery run and came back home instead of hitting the park as planned. I picked up a redbox DVD of WordWorld to keep him occupied this afternoon while stuck inside.

I'm feeling pretty chipper this morning. I'm going to make french bread pizza under the broiler for dinner, and have a to-do list that will leave me feeling satisfied and not overwhelmed. Only two weeks and two days left in this apartment, until we make another transition.

(pssst . . . we might ditch out of the internship two weeks early--maybe that's why I'm feeling happy today!)

Tired

I was up until 1 a.m. last night watching TV and surfing the internet. Guy woke up at 5:30 and didn't go back to bed.

It's been a good day, despite feeling a bit fatigued. I got all the laundry washed--but need to fold two of the three loads still. We all took showers (Guy got a bath). We went to Aunt Mary Kay's and Uncle Lou's 25th Anniversary party. We played Mario Party 8 on the Wii. I really did enjoy the day.

Josh and I decided this weekend that we're really not cut out for living in the middle of downtown in a huge city.

Josh is feeling stressed but can't figure out why and it's affecting his health. This is simultaneously a difficulty and a blessing. It makes me snap out of my "poor me" mentality and in serving him and Guy helps me feel happier. But it's hard to be the one that's primarily responsible for everything on the weekends because Josh needs to relax in order to survive the next week. Especially as the fear sometimes gets the best of me when I'm thinking about the pregnancy.

I don't want to go back to Philly, but I'm reconciling myself to the fact that it really is better than staying here. As Becca commented on my last post--I'm extremely grateful to have an out that's sooner rather than later.

And we might get to see Jeremy and Amy! That would rock it to the awesome. I have no idea where I picked up that phrase, but I like it. Anyway, they're thinking of coming out to visit.

Thus ends my long, boring, and pictureless post. I still haven't found the batteries, so maybe I should just buy some, eh? Maybe.

I know, I know

You're all dying for an update, right?

Well, the weather the last two days has been bearable. I got to see Becca today. We're going to Scranton this afternoon (swimming pool! hell's kitchen! food network!backyard!). We've successfully survived three weeks in Pennsylvania, and have five to go.

In other news, I'm feeling vulnerable and lonely. I have a really hard time not crying when I think about missing my friends. I want to be able to step outside my door and not have to put my armor on because I don't know who will approach me or what they'll want.

At the grocery store this morning, a lady with a speech impediment told me she wanted to buy my groceries for me with her food stamps in exchange for cash. I lied and told her I didn't have any cash. I'm assuming her proposal was illegal, and it made me wonder what she wanted the cash for. I sighed, realized I didn't want to know, and wandered around trying to find napkins (it's a really counterintuitive grocery setup).

Keeping busy with Guy underfoot is hard. I run out of ideas by noon most days, and out of energy even before that.

The thought that keeps running through my head?

This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Oh, yeah. And I can't find an OB/GYN who will see me for just one apointment here in Philadelphia, so I'll probably have to spend a week in Scranton without Josh and go see my aunt's doctor. Who has graciously agreed to see me if I need anything. Everywhere I turn there are road blocks and blessings. But it's still hard.

Ambivalence

Happy 4th, everybody.

We had a nice relaxing day in Scranton, with barbecue, a pool, not too many people, good laughs, and some fireworks. A nice day.

And I don't want to go back to Philadelphia. I know I've only been there for four days. But I don't want to go back.

I know that I should. Josh needs the support, and I need to not be a burden to his relatives for a month.

But I'm having a hard time being positive about our situation. Especially when I compare it to what it was intended to be--our nice suburban Victorian home with a washer/dryer, partially furnished, with internet and cable, near a duck pond, park, pool, and Trader Joe's.

Instead I have anxiety, strange people, a flight of stairs and three locked doors through which to maneuver, pregnancy restrictions, and an apartment that's like an inferno much of the day. I'm pretty sure it's the reason Guy's naps are suddenly 45 minutes long. He wakes up in a sweat.

Today, in a room with an a/c, he napped for more than 2 hours.

I'm struggling. I know it's only 22 more days that we'll actually be in Philly. I also know that if the situation were different in any one of a number of different ways it would be much easier.

But it's not easier. It's hard. It's hot. It's tiring. I feel that I shouldn't complain to Josh--I don't want him to be upset for me. I know I can do this. I can even do my best to be cheerful about it.

This leaves me thinking: what about the times that I don't want to?

It's an Education, all right!

Things I have learned from my three days in Philadelphia:

Lightning bugs are really cool!

Smokers? Very not cool.

I will never take a nearby and safe playground for granted again.

I hate having to lock three doors behind me when I leave the house.

It's very hard to convince Guy to go down our apartment's stairs without being carried.

I love being two blocks from a grocery store.

I hate carrying a purse, stroller, groceries, and dragging Guy behind me up a flight of stairs.

I like the city. But I miss my friends.

I love, love, love familiar places.